The truth is... tears help me to see clearly

The truth is...
The truth is...

“I am near-sighed and need to wear glasses or contact lenses as help to see clearly.

But when I have tears in my eyes I can see clearly in that very moment… In every sense.” Jeanine


I had the urgent need to write the following post before I completely adapt and forget... 


Well, I underestimated what it means to come back to Europe after 10 months abroad. Especially after 6 months living very in Mexico and Guatemala… Life is very different from Europe with all its advantages and disadvantages. Now I’m feeling like an alien and I’m struggling a lot…


The truth is...

The truth is I am living since 1 ½ month in Barcelona and I am still having problems to adapt myself here… 

The truth is I am feeling very lonely here even I am surrounded by people. I feel disconnected. I know it is me and my choice. I take the responsibility for my feelings. For sure... I feel depressed and I feel it gets every day worse… 

The truth is I cannot deal with the overwhelming offer I have here in Barcelona: tons of products, advertisement and leisure activities. In Mexico I had a market where I could buy my basic food and it was enough for me. I could buy basic cloths and it was enough for me. I went into the nature when I wanted leisure activities or tried out a jewelry course. I was happy with this simplicity because I didn’t need more.

The truth is I underestimated what it means to come back to Europe after living very simple with basic things in Central America for 6 month. There I didn’t have a SIM card. I used WIFI in cafes. I wrote back to messages maybe 10 hours later. I had no stress at all with that. Everyone did that there. Now I answer after 10 min… Everyone is doing that here… I am always online but I feel disconnected.

The truth is I am feeling useless. 

In Central America and also in 2014 in Spain, Ireland and Canada I was volunteering and I worked with people and I helped them with things they are really need in their life. That is why I love giving Yoga and Meditation classes. It is such a gift when people after my classes smile very relax. Now I am sitting in a CallCenter, do not see the people and my job is actually just to calm the clients. I do not really help them. In addition the things I do for them are not important for their life at all…

I feel like the industry created needs we do not really need. The Amercian Beauty Effect… I wrote earlier about it

The truth is I wasted time to get started with Yoga and Meditation classes but actually I just looked and was lost...


The truth is I am missing Mexico a lot…


The truth is I was not happy the last weeks. I know I need to change something. For sure I know that I am having in comparison to many people lots of freedom but my mind was narrowed until I changed small things and remembered the following quotation:

»Sometimes we need to be fearlessly open...

...and love fearlessly.

It is foolish to be closed, because if you are closed, it hurts you. 

Just take your hand and make a fist. Squeeze it tighter and tighter - it hurts. Then let go and release.

Sometimes we try to protect ourselves by being closed, but this ends up hurting even more. Often the greatest way to protect ourselves is being open, loving and trusting.«

- Sogyal Rinpoche, Newcastle, Australia, 06 January 2015

Very simple life in Palenque. Tired but happy and connected with nature.
Very simple life in Palenque. Tired but happy and connected with nature.


I got everything what I wanted...

I came back to Spain with the idea to be closer to my family, save money for an education in Ayurveda and practice Spanish.


When I was in Mexico I had fear to go back to Europe… I wanted to live in Spain but during my journey many people told me there would not be any jobs at all. I feared I would need to go back to Germany. On my last evening in my hostel in Cancun was an American guy who said again there would not be any jobs at all.


I hated him. I hated him for speaking out my fears.


Later I told him about my fears. I remembered that closing to protect myself hurts even more. Better be fearlessly open.


It was great to talk to him. I liked him.

Actually I was already safe at that time: I had already a Workaway place in a family to get adapted to Spain again.


I lived one week in the family when I realized I didn’t have much to do there and in the village was apart from two supermarkets nothing. I was in panic that I could run out of money, would need lots of time to find a job and need to go back to Germany. Therefore I started applying to every job where they were looking for German speaker and customer service. Most of them were in Barcelona. Two days later I received the first replies to my applications and confirmed two interviews in Barcelona. I took a blablablacar over night in 11 hours to Barcelona, threw my stuff in the hostel I booked and went to two interviews. On the next day I got the confirmation for the job I wanted. I wanted a nine to five job (ok now its 9 to 6) because I wanted use my spare time to get started with my ideas. Three days later I had a room which is close to my workplace and my roommates just speak Spanish with me.


For sure, I got everything what I wanted but now I realize I act from panic and wasted time here with getting started with my Yoga and meditation classes, was overwhelmed from the possibilities and got lost in them. I feel tired. What I am doing here?


Seeing cleary…

“I am near-sighed and need to wear glasses or contact lenses as help to see clearly.

But when I have tears in my eyes I can see clearly in that very moment… In every sense.” Jeanine

That came to my mind when I was sitting in my room, steering out the window, crying. I needed to change something. I looked for the small box of hugs and kisses one of my best friends gave me before I left Germany. 


I read her message in the box again that she wrote on a small paper . It helped me...

Also I remembered that I have in comparison to many other people I have met lots of possibilities. So my fears are just thoughts. I could change them. I had to change something...

The hugs and kisses box for emergencies
The hugs and kisses box for emergencies

Pasos a paso - time for change

On the next morning I did the first step and changed one of the things that did not make me happy. After it I felt better. Paso a paso...

After it I did something nice for me and went to a Yoga festival here in Barcelona. On my way to it I felt very relieved and opened up. And in the metro I had a very nice encounter which came to the right time...


I wish you all from heart all the best in life. Please listen always to your heart and open up if you are feared and talk, then nothing can hurt you.

Thank you for reading my story! I really appreciate it a lot. 

Write a comment

Comments: 4
  • #1

    alain (Tuesday, 07 July 2015 10:16)

    I loved to read your story , your growing , your pains and your fears . I enjoy your descriptions, your use of language and your travel .
    but every post I saw you growing . such a difference looking back from the moment we met each other.
    You know we will always have a place to sleep for you .

  • #2

    Jeanine (Wednesday, 08 July 2015 04:43)

    Dear lovely Alain,
    Thank you so much for your lovely words! I really needed to cry. Thank you so much!

    That makes me very happy to read it and to know that you believe in me. I'm very happy to have you us friend. You are always welcome. And of course I'll invite you to my wedding with my artist ;-).

    I send you lots of love and thank you very much for your support! ♥

  • #3

    Ksenia (Friday, 10 July 2015 16:51)

    Dear Jeanine, it seems life is much more wise than we are. When we fear something and do something in a way which seems us the best... and finally we feel ourselves ruined... May be life gives us these difficulties specially? To help us in understanding what we want to do really, how we want to live and what we need in life? Actually, we don't need a lot in life)
    Your story makes me crying, in contact lenses, going in a metro of 5 million city... and I love your story . You are on your own way. Poco a poco)) I believe , you will choose what you really need))
    besos querida Jeanine
    ps: there are so many wonderful places in Spain) small and authentic))

  • #4

    Jeanine (Monday, 13 July 2015 10:46)

    Dear lovely Ksenia!
    Thank you so much for your lovely comment! I am really happy to read from you. Yes you are right my lovely friend. I think this is part of our development and should show us what is really important for us. We don't need much for sure.
    I will see what I am doing now. I need a bit time to think or rather to decide and do it. I think we all already know what we should do very deep inside... Muchos besos querida amiga Ksenia!
    Estamos en contacto! :-*