It’s a very simple advice and so powerful: not to give a f***k and do what your heart tells you.
It sounds very easy. Right now I’m in a huge change process. It feels good and I wanted it. It began by simple shifting my awareness from my head to my heart. I learnt it from the book The Secret Teaching of Plants from Stephen Harrod Buhner. I share this knowledge in my projects with people.
I had some up’s and down’s the last two months. It seems to be normal even if I wish sometimes it could be more balanced. All my projects are flowing. Especially when I'm taking the pressure out and be playful and let it come from my heart. I'm very grateful for it! At the same time I am scared. Scared to take the next step. It is the step to grow with my projects to the next level.
But I had an experience that reminded me that limits just exist in my head and so I decided not to give a f***k anymore. Just go for what feels good and trust it. It feels relieving.
Shifting awareness from head to heart
It is really amazing what changed so far for me since I discovered the book The Secret Teaching of Plants through a friend of mine I have met in my Yoga Teacher Training in Canada. I'm following her on Instagram and she posted some book recommendations. The mentioned book caught my attention and I bought it. I wanted to learn more about plants.
But when I started reading it I was first a bit disappointed due to it explains first how to listen to the heart again... What about plants?!
Well, for me now it is one of the most inspiring books I have read so far! I'm German and I need logic so I am thankful that he explains the way to use the intelligence of the heart in a way that makes totally sense for me :-).
"When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change" ~ Dr Wayne Dyer
When I started to shift my awareness from my brain to my heart, I could almost easily let go of energy taking people and situations. I was surprised how easy it would feel and is. It feels very natural. Well, for me it was natural but for the ones I let go of it came out of the blue.
To one with whom it was always quite complicated I explained that my rejection wouldn't have anything to do with him but that I have changed. We talked very openly and it was relieving. With respect.
I feel that I could now do the next step in sense of my projects.
I receive nice messages from people who are doing similar things and want to exchange with me. I’m getting invited to meetings to network etc. Actually I have everything what I wished for. So what holds me back?
Light and shadow
Well… Where there is light there is also shadow and I wasn’t prepared to deal with mine: envy from others and my own.
I faced envy and discouraging comments from other people and I did't know how to deal with it. People I didn’t even know. It started two month ago when I became a bit more present and the straw that broke the camel's back was an experiences on a network event for entrepreneurs.
Well, on those kind of events it can be very inspiring or very discouraging.
You have all kind of people there: the ones who just started, the ones who want to start, the ones who started and it doesn't work, the ones who are successful etc.
So depending of your own mood and with whom you are talking you can feel very motivated or demotivated.
The attraction of ugly aliens
So I was on one of this networking events. I was just curious. This one was not really my cup of tea but I was quite confident and happy that I would go soon to Mexico.
There was a girl who caught my attention due to something felt weird about her. She was very present but not very sympathetic. She gave a smile but her eyes didn't smile. I knew it would be better not to talk to her.
But I was also curious and for some strange reason I wanted that she would like me. It was a bit when you see a very ugly alien and you cannot look away. It is like "Oh my god what is this.... OH MY GOD IT OPENS ITS MOUTH!!!". That was what my coaches told me and they were right :-).
So I talked to this ugly alien and it brought me down. She was just discouraging, hidden behind a fake smile like the stereotyp stepmother in Disney movie and very negative in sense of my projects when we talked about it. She actually had nothing really to tell about her things.
I stand very close to her and I could feel something like an electronic shock straight into my heart, going down to my hand and the strong wish to slap her right into her fake smile or just push her away and ask if she is kidding herself. Well, that was what came over from her and I could feel her bitterness. I didn't know how to deal with that. I just made my points clear. Out of the sudden she said she had to go and left the event. It was really strange. She didn't even finish her drink.
"Oh better I just let this..."
I didn’t know how to deal with it and I let myself feeling bad and guilty.
Suddenly I was f***ing scared to grow with my projects due to I feared I couldn’t deal with that if I will face it again and wouldn't be able to handle it. I felt weak and that it would be very unfair because I’m doing things from my heart and in my opinion I want to do something good for people… So I was really down.
Actually it needed to be happening due to it was high time for me to face some fears within me.
So I’m thankful for this option. But I didn’t know what to do and how I could let go of it.
Instead I felt more and more guilt for stupid things:
felt guilty that I needed to tell my roommate that I would stay longer in Mexico and if it would be possible to rent out my room until I would come back, I needed to tell it at my workplace and ask if I could maybe come back.
Actually I was just scared about to lose my 'secure' comfort zone. Well a comfort zone that also limits me in my development.
What I really want is to learn, I want to live from my projects, I want to experience as much as possible. I want to be my own boss and as much independent as possible. Lots of fears came up “what if…”. So this comfort zone I have right now isn't really comfortable. It limits me.
I felt worse and worse. Until last week.
My way to "Not Give a F***k"
I have a little ritual before I go to work. I work part-time in the afternoon.
I always go into a park to relax a bit. This morning I was a quite sad. I went before to my Pole Dance class and nothing worked out. My head was just full of all the things I need to clear (my room, my work etc). I wanted to have it clear that I can come back even if I was away yet. In addition I was a bit pissed off due to a WhatsApp conversation with a Mexican friend I know for a while. So I had some tears in my eyes but it was relieving.
Often when we have tears in our eyes our vision is a bit blurred. So was mine. But it stayed…
My tears were already dried but I couldn’t properly see. I had something like a zickzack line through both eyes and I could barely see.
I got in panic. Well, I have to admit that I can be quite hypochondriac and dramatic and I reckoned with the worse case:
I’m having Multiple Sclerosis, I cannot go to Mexico, I’m having a tumor etc…
So I panicked and instead to go to work I took the metro to go home. In the metro I couldn’t see properly the faces of the people. It was like that their eyes were one huge one like the girl Leela in Futurama and I also had some blanks in my vision. So I took some deep breaths and tried to calm down. After 30 minutes my vision got better and when I saw that the woman in front of me had two normal eyes instead of one huge eye I gave her a huge smile.
My vision came slowly back and it was replaced by strong headache. Well better this then not be able to see properly.
Writing down a promise to myself
I went home called my workplace and explained that I would go to the doctor and called my mum and cried that I was scared and that everything would be very shitty and life in general would be so unfair…. Well, very dramatically :-). My mum stayed cool and just let me talk. I later apologized for freaking out.
Anyway, I took the metro to the hospital (in Spain you go to the hospital where all the doctors are) and wrote down a kind letter in which I said that the one who would find it should let know my family and friends that I love them etc.
In the end I wrote down:
“When I can read this tomorrow, I’ll let go of all the fears around my projects & I don’t give a f***k & just jump. I begin NOW!”
The moment when I decided not to give a f***k anymore
I arrived in the hospital, found out that I took the wrong health insurance card with me, but the lady felt pity with me and let me enter the doctor’s room. The doctor asked me about my symptoms and she told me it was typical for migraine… Migraine?!
Obviously yes. I was so relieved. I went home, read my notes again and felt so much better even if I had strong headache. I think I was never so happy about headache.
In that moment I decided:
I don’t give a f***k anymore.
Most important is health and if you are healthy use your opportunities and do what your heart tells you. Limits just exist in your head. And also take pressure away. I know what is good for me and what I like.
When I came home I asked my Mexican friend via WhatsApp if we could do a video call. I wanted to clarify some misunderstandings. We never did a video call before. He confirmed and we had a very open and good chat and could sort out many things. I don’t know if I will or rather want to spend effort to see him again, but I’m relieved that we had this chat.
In addition I talked on the same evening to my roommate and told her that I will stay longer in Mexico after my tour and if it would be maybe possible to rent out my room. Yes, it would be.
My workplace has still time.
Next step: leaving my comfort zone
Two days later I had an eye-opening phone call with one of my best friends in Germany. She knows me for quite a long time, we lived together in Germany and she visited me last year in Barcelona. Meanwhile she is a mother of a beautiful daughter who just turned 4 years old. My friend asked me just a few simple questions. She asked me the right ones those let me realize what would be my next step...
I need to leave my comfort zone I'm in right now and as I mentioned it isn’t a comfortable comfort zone. It is just easy. Yes, it is tempting to have this part-time job and a the same room in a shared apartment again when I would come back and do the same things. But...
What I really want is to do my own projects, give something back, do something meaningful, to learn as much as possible, learn French, share and give impulses to people and connect more with Nature and medicinal plants.
When I came in 2015 to Barcelona I had nothing planned at all. Also when I came back last year in June 2016. Everything was open.
So I decided I will leave my limiting comfort zone.
I will see where my curiosity and heart will lead me. I'm open for everything. Most important for me is that it feels right and gives me space to play.
Now I’m feeling relived and free again. Thanks to migraine, my heart and my family and my lovely friends and follower:-)!
And thank you for reading my story!
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